How to Praise Your Kids

I mentioned a few days ago my secret love of Dr. Laura. The second post I wanted to tell you about was one on how to give praise to your kids.

I love how she talks about giving "process praise." This has really opened my eyes to the way I praise J. I want my child to be a productive member of society some day. I want her to add to her surroundings and offer something to those she comes in contact with. I try not to think about how much influence I have in messing her up, for reals! It seems like anyone I've ever known that goes to therapy, the number one influence in 'why they are the way they are' is because of their parents. No pressure or anything though! ...Yikes!

I know that one weakness/strength I have in life is that I thrive on completing a task. If you were to give me a rubik's cube, I would be the kid that peeled off all of the stickers and put them back on in their segregated order. At the very least, I would look up how to do a rubik's cube on line, solve the stupid thing, and move on with life. I am not the person that finds the 'joy in journey' with tasks like those. This characteristic can be seen as a flaw because I was always so focused on the end result that I didn't develop the critical thinking skills that are so useful in life.

I remember when I was a teenager, I joined a soccer team with a new coach. I didn't know him and he didn't know me. When we went into our first tournament together, I worked my butt off to prove to him that I deserved to be on the team. He noticed and was impressed. That particular tournament gave an award to one player on each team--chosen by the coach. He chose to give me the award. From that point on I don't think I ever worked as hard for him as I did before he gave me that award. I had received his approval, accomplished my goal, and wiped my hands clean of the whole process. Obviously, as I got older I began to realize you have to keep working hard, but this is a good raw example of what can happen when kids are only focused on the end result. (I should add, I don't see how this characteristic of mine has anything to do with my parents and how they raised me. Love you, mom!)

With “process praise” – you’re commenting on their diligence and persistence.  According to a study from the University of Chicago, kids are more likely to prefer challenging tasks and believe that intelligence and personality can improve with effort than youngsters who simply hear praise directed at them personally.  It sends the message that effort and actions are the sources of success and your approval.  If you’re impressed by their effort, kids will put in more effort.  If you just say, “You’re very good at this,” that’s it – they stay at that level. They won’t try harder because they figure that they have already reached the pinnacle. 
By praising the process, actions, and strategies (e.g. “I’m impressed that you did your best and worked hard to stick with it”), kids try to do better and better to impress you and themselves.

I've been trying really hard to re-learn and adjust the way I praise J. When we come home after running errands, she's learned that she has to take her shoes and coat off and put them away before she can play. Instead of only praising her for when she puts her coat in the closet, I also praise the way she stuck with putting her coat in the closet even when it kept getting caught on the door frame. It really is a challenge to think of how to rephrase your praises, but I'm hoping it will pay off! Either way, I'm sure she's not going to end up some criminal...at least I don't think so...?

NO BODY that starts off that cute can be a criminal, amIright?

Possibly, this could, though! :)