Survival Mode

I've taken a little blogging hiatus because J and I got to go visit my parents in Alaska last week! It was a much needed break from our new Chicagoland changes. I'll have to do a separate post on Alaska once I've loaded all of my pictures on to the computer.

While I was away, I had a lot of time to think about our new life and the changes we've made. Whenever you make big changes in your life, it feels like you begin the change in "Survival Mode". When I became a teacher, they call the first few years "Survival Mode" because you aren't able to be the absolute perfect teacher that you want to be due to the overwhelming obstacles that face a first time teacher. Brand new lesson plans, new teacher meetings, faculty meetings, a new grading system, plus the actual grading, etc, etc. Since we've moved, even though I've felt fairly settled for some time, I feel like we've still been in Survival Mode. K has been working crazy long hours for the past 3 months and J and I have been trying to get out, meet people/socialize whenever possible, and just establish some sort of a routine. We've all been working hard in our own spheres. When I played soccer, my dad used to always tell me, "Don't just work hard, work smart." We definitely have been working hard, but not necessarily smart. Let me explain:

For me, a part of Survival Mode means I get so focused on being a good parent and making sure J is well adjusted, that I forget that being a good mom means maintaining and flourishing in my role as a wife, too. A few months ago, my absolute favorite Hollywood couple (Giuliana and Bill Rancic) took major heat for making this statement, “We’re husband and wife, but we’re also best friends, and it’s funny because a lot of people, when they have kids, they put the baby first, and the marriage second,’ 'That works for some people. For us, I find, we put our marriage first and our child second, because the best thing we can do for him is have a strong marriage.”

I can understand why people gave her flack, since K can definitely take care of himself and J needs help for her very basic needs. However, on the emotional and relationship side of needs, I am able to be there for J in a much healthier way when my relationship with K is in a better place. The more stress in our marriage, the more stress in my life. K is my best friend, it kills me when we aren't right with each other. That kind of strife and grief is obviously going to carry over into my interactions with J. In that sense, I couldn't agree more with Giuliana's statement. 

K and I have a new resolve to get back to working together as a team. It's not like anythings is wrong, it's just been hard to get in a groove where we both understand our respective responsibilities in this new place with our new roles (him as the sole bread winner and me as a SAHM). It can be so frustrating for everyone involved when there is too much ambiguity in the home. The week away was good for taking a step back and getting a clearer picture on what we needed to do to get back to where we like to be as a married couple and family. I can't even begin to describe the relief that comes when you are able to gain some clarity on how to get out of Survival Mode and into just living!

What do you think, marriage or baby first? Please explain (I find this concept very interesting!)

How do you find balance between your role as a spouse and parent? If you aren't one or either of those, how have you seen it in your parents or those around you?
-Our big "balancer" is to keep the dating relationship alive. When you are dating, you put so much thought and effort into the other persons wellbeing and happiness...sometimes that can be lost when kids and careers come along. Little actions like holding hands, going on dates, talking about subjects other than J and work are big. And sex (HI-Ohhh)! But honestly, if we had just gone over to each others houses and watched TV for our entire courtship, there's no way we would have stayed together--let alone married each other. There's no reason we should expect a different result once we are married. I think a lot of people don't realize how much work a good marriage takes. I know I didn't get it. It takes both people constantly making a concentrated effort to stay happy in a marriage!

13 Things to Discuss Before You Marry

Hello from the wetlands! Our little suburb of Chicago got 7 inches of rain today! 7 inches!! I couldn't believe it! I was so grateful that J didn't wake up to the insanely loud and bright thunder and lighting. It started last night, went straight through the night and continued on until about 11 am this morning. It was incredible! Here are a few pictures from around us:

Sorry this is bad quality. But this is out J's bedroom window. This is usually a small little creek that is down a hill. It usually doesn't even touch any of the trees!

I didn't take this, but a friend posted this on Facebook. This is about 10 minutes away from our house! Sooo crazy! Also, why would you drive into this once you see another car stuck?

You can see more pictures here.

***

During college, I had a job driving LDS missionaries from their training center to the airport. I would just shuttle them back and forth, about an hour one-way. After a few weeks, I started to be so over music. I began listening to Dr. Laura. Judge me if you will, but she is entertaining! I don't agree with all of her feelings and opinions, but I do agree with many. I follow her blog and, from time to time, she posts some articles I find interesting. I found 2 in the last week that perked my interest. I'll share one today and one tomorrow. 

Today, she posted 13 Things to Discuss Before You Marry. I won't comment on all of her thoughts, but there were a few that took me right back to 2006 when K and I started dating.

1. Money. 

This one was an easy one. We are both cheap. We learned after we got married that we both never really saved, we just never spent money. Getting married when you're still fairly young (I was 22 and K was 25), we still didn't really know how we spent our money because we hadn't had a chance to make a lot of big purchases yet. We soon found that we were pretty identical though. We like to buy nicer products and then take care of them. We've both learned that buying cheap usually means you have to replace them so often that it just makes sense to buy quality products from the beginning and then just take care of them. 

2. How alike are you?  

Dr. L talks about how you shouldn't go off of the notion that "opposites attract." K and I are different and the same? I think most marriages are like that. Both of us don't like to be the center of attention (K more so than me), but I am definitely more outgoing than K. We both have leveled each other out since we got married. K is more outgoing and I have chilled out a lot. I like it! I see them as positive changes!

3. Communication skills.  

I came from a family that talks about...well...everything. We talk until we are blue in the face and have no problem calling each other out on just about...well...everything. Our communication is usually pretty firey, but in the end, we get to the root of the problem fast and get the problems resolved. K's family is way more reserved and nice to each other haha. I would say communication was one of our biggest growing pains while dating since we came from such opposite backgrounds. We have come a long way, and continue to improve. Marriage is all about evolving and growing together! (A topic for another day).

4. Life outside of marriage.  

As a result of some of my friendship issues in the past, I knew I needed to be careful not to smother K. When we first got married we started reading (and I really want to make time to finish) the book His Needs, Her Needs. The author talks about having activities to do together and having activities that are for you. We both had hobbies that we really loved that didn't necessarily involve the other. We made a deal that I could always play soccer and K would support me, and K could always play the guitar or go mountain biking and I would support him. I made sure that whenever he had his guitar out I just enjoyed the music and never rushed him to put it away (it helps that he's super good). If his friends called to go mountain biking, I always did everything I could to make sure he could go. K has always been the same way with me either coaching or playing on old-foggie soccer leagues. It's so nice to not have to feel guilty about wanting to do our activities!

5. Do you want to have kids?  

There are 6 kids in K's family and 5 in mine. We both loved having a lot of siblings and have always agreed on how many kids we want. We've always seen eye to eye on what we expected in regards to discipline or parenting styles. Obviously, since becoming an actual parent we've evolved into more realistic expectations (haha), but since we started on the same page and evolved together it's been a real none issue.

6. Employment. 

Since K had basically NO IDEA what he wanted to be when we first met, we've made all career choices together. It's been nice :)

7. Sex! Find out what each other's fantasies are. If their fantasies include small farm animals, you know to hit the eject button.

Dr. Laura's words, haha

8. Daily life: 

This is one we didn't discuss! It added some real life to our newly wed euphoric state :). For the first few years we just both paid the bills. Whoever had time just did it. Since I've stayed home I've had to pry the bills out of K's death grip! I just have so much more time to do them and our budget. I've had to get better about communicating to K what's been happening (the reason for his death grip), and he has learned to relax without that responsibility. Fun Fact: We are WAAAAY better at staying on our budget since just one of us is paying the bills.

9. How committed are you to the relationship? 

10. Personal space.  

11. How are you going to keep the marriage exciting? 

12. Family.  

A few days before K and I got married I had a total break down. I was worried I was never going to be able to see my family again and made him promise I could go see them at least once a year. He got nervous because he wasn't sure we could afford it. Thank goodness for parents that are generous with their air miles! He's always been understanding of how close I am with my family and been willing to let me go whenever I want. (Good man :))

13. Know your odds. Statistics show that couples who live together before they're married are more likely to get divorced.

      I never knew that was statistically proven, but I believe it.

Did any of these questions stand out to you? Did you or your spouse discuss these? Do you plan on discussing them with your spouse?

Naps, it's what's for dinner/ Menu

Today was out of control! I don't even want to type it all out, but it involves my debit card being declined at a weird grocery story in front of a loooooong line of strangers (total mystery because I called my bank and they said there were no attempts...I got back in line and it worked? I. Was. Mortified.), thrown eggs, whiney baby, and exhaustion because my 21 month old has decided she doesn't know how to sleep through the night anymore..? There was one point where I honestly said to myself, "Is this real life?"

K could tell it had been a day as soon as he walked through the door. I'm grateful for a husband that leaves is career job and comes right home to his dad job. I gave him a few minutes to unwind before handing over J and going in the back bedrooms to hide. I fell asleep for a good hour or so and am glad I made that choice. I woke up loving my family again, which I'm pretty sure is a good sign :).

Here's this week's menu, as always, feel free to share what you're having because I need some more ideas :):

Vegetable Mac and cheese
We aren't spicy people, so this recipe sans spicy ingredients + more vegetables and still debating the crust...because the picture of it in the skillet looks pretty dang good to me!

Grilled Bruschetta Chicken
We ended up having several people over for dinner last Sunday. This got pushed to this week and I made a lasagna in its place on Sunday. Thank goodness for lasagna leftovers because my family probably wouldn't have eaten today without them!

Shrimp Tacos


Corn Chowder + BLTs


Ham (or lamb or something cool for Easter) + Potatoes and other cool Easter stuff
The whole reason I went to the weird grocery store today was because they had a good deal on ham, but once I got there all the ham they had was HUUUUUUUGE! I knew I'd regret it, so I let the reasonable side win out over the cheapskate side and I left without a ham! I'll be on a meat search tomorrow.

Be a "Girls' Girl"

The other day I was reading some celebrity gossip column (no shame in admitting a little interest in pop culture). This lady was saying how she didn't like Angelina Jolie because she wasn't a "girls' girl" and this individual was all about "girls' girls." That comment really stood out and stuck with me.

Growing up I always had way more guys as friends than I did girls. I contribute a lot of that to the fact that my major interests all revolved around sports, my greatest childhood friend was my younger brother, and I was just never that into the drama that was usually associated with girls. The girlfriends I did have, I realize now, I wasn't always a very good friend to. I was always so hypersensitive about everything they did or didn't do to/for me. I had one guy friend that would describe me as "very chill," but I doubt any of my girlfriends would say the same. While I was fiercely loyal, I always just wanted one very best friend, and I could careless about anyone else. 

 

This attribute was fine growing up, and even in my first year of college when I continued my habits. However, this tendency began to really backfire on me when the guy friends I had left on their LDS missions the next year, and the girlfriends I did have, all got boyfriends. 

 I was so lonely. I prayed and prayed that God would send me a friend. He sent me K. While K and I dated and into our first few years of marriage, I only noticed my lack of girlfriends occassionally. We were totally that annoying married couple that just hung out with each other. If we did hang out with others, it was always K's friends that he had had since high school. Yet again, I found myself the only girl in the situation and sticking to my old habits of only one good friend.

A. Lot. Of. Selfies. haha, that should have been a sign!

As I started my teaching career, I made a few girlfriends that also taught at my school. In retrospect, they created the friendship more than I did. It was a combination of lack of effort and just getting used to not having a ton of friends. I wasn't some hermit. I talked to people at work and church, and I had K when I wasn't at either of those two places. Even still, not a lot of people to feel a feminine bond with. I began to really see how disastrous these habits were when I became a mom. You NEED other woman who can relate and understand the struggles you go through as a woman and mother (the recovery after childbirth? Why doesn't society talk about that more--I felt blindsided!). There are so many things that men just don't understand. I realized that, while I might not have always been a "girls' girl" in the past, motherhood had thrown me into that category--and I was quite happy and relieved to be there.

As we've moved to Chicago, I'm finding myself in an all too familiar 'girlfriendless' territory. The beauty of this situation, however, is that I have a real chance to turn my circumstances around. I really could have always turned my circumstances around, it just would have been a lot harder and taken a lot more effort. I'm determined to not let this opportunity slip me by. We've been so blessed to have had a lot of people be so open and friendly to us already. (Side note: people that aren't LDS, how on earth do you meet new people when you move into town? Especially if you have kids, so it's not like you're going to the bars or anything every night.) 

This was such an important part in my self-discovery. I acknowledge the mistakes I've made with friendships in the past. I hope, as I cultivate new friendships here in Chicago, that I can be relaxed--anything anyone does for me is a bonus. In the past, I always had such ridiculous expectations for my friends to live up to. It took me getting married to start to realize that I can't expect people to read my mind. 

Who you will be friends with is always a mystery, so I need to give everyone a fair chance. In the past (so painful to admit this, but remember, I'm here to be real), I was so eager to get to the deep ties that bind friendships together that I thought I could weed out people based on comments made in large group settings, clothes they wore, amount of make-up applied, etc. It's not that I'm shallow and hold these aspects in high regard, I just figured it was a way to fast track the process. 

Finally, it's so important to have friends. In the really dark moments when my friends all had boyfriends and I felt really alone, I thought that it didn't matter. I didn't need close friends and could get by with just boyfriends or aquantances. That is so not the case! I can go the gym by myself, but it was so much more fun when I went with my sister, in Seattle. It's not that we always talked a lot while we were there or did the exact same workouts--it was about the companionship. I realize now that you need a variety of friends that can enrich your life in different ways. Going about life alone can be easier at times, but it's so not worth it. Friendship and companionship are worth the trouble!

When I've talked about this in the past, with other women, they always say "me too!" What the heck is wrong with us? Why do woman do this to ourselves?

What do you feel is your greatest attribute as a friend (this is your moment to brag, let it out)? What is something you want to work on as a friend?

Girls' Girl vs. Guys Girls...thoughts?

Anything else you want to say about it!

Discovering who I am

In the past several months I've been giving a lot of thought to the question, "Who am I?" It seems that giving up my career and becoming a stay at home mom (SAHM) has given me the chance to reflect on who I was in the past and who I want to be in the future.

The other day I was talking to Sister #1 about being bored. She had read an article about how it can be good for your children to be bored because it causes them to use their creativity and imagination to entertain themselves. If you're a SAHM, you're probably thinking, "Rarely am I bored." I would agree 100% with that sentiment, however, I definitely have more opportunities as a SAHM to think. When I was a teacher (Medical Anatomy and Physiology, Medical Terminology, Health, and Introduction to Health Science) my days would consist of faculty meetings, teaching, planning, grading, emailing, calling home, meetings with the HOSA club I sponsored, K would drop J off to me at work at the end of the day, J and I would stay after school to grade and help students with their work, we'd go home, clean, cook dinner, eat, go to bed. Not a lot of time for deep observations on my life.

It seems at various stages of my life, I've always had some outside force as my identifying characteristic. When I was in high school I was either "the soccer player" or "the mormon" and as an adult I was "a teacher." While I can still be identified as "a mom," there is a lot more room in my life for further exploration of interests. It's actually very exciting! However, there has been more than one occasion when I've thought to myself, "What the heck do I even like?" or "Do I have an opinion on that?" I honestly just never had or took the time in the past to consider these questions.

One of the reasons I started blogging was because I wanted to document this journey as I sift through my emotions, thoughts, and feelings to determine who I am. I want to have a dynamic life where I have many interests, but most of all, I want to feel like I am actually living my life. What a waste to just get up every morning and go through the motions. I don't believe that's why we're here. I feel we are here on this earth to have experiences, to gain knowledge, and help others.

Here is what I know so far:

I am a disciple of Christ. I sincerely want to live my life as he did. I feel like shaping my life after the pattern that Christ set for us will lead us to eternal happiness.

I am a wife. I've been blessed with a husband that cares about our relationship and our family unit. I want to be better at being a wife.

I am a mom. I take being a mother very seriously, but not too seriously, because this kid needs to have fun too! Recently I've started following C. Jane Kendrick's blog. I don't always see eye-to-eye with her views, but I do like the way she makes me think about my beliefs. I have a few posts coming up on some of those experiences.

I love the human body. I'm hoping to get back into researching and sharing the different aspects of the human body that both amaze and confuse me! One aspect of being a SAHM that worried me is that I didn't want to be someone that could only talk about my kids. I want to continue to learn and grow, this is the major area I want to do that in. Someday I will go back to teaching, I'm hoping that transition can be as painless as possible.

Is anyone else/has anyone else had the feeling you weren't sure who you were? What process did/are you going through with it?

Tell me your thoughts on the subject--the good, the bad, and the ugly!

And, because we haven't had pictures in awhile:

J photo-documented one of many trips we took to Ikea. You're welcome.