"Boy, you've got YOUR hands full!"

It happened, you guys, it really happened! I was in the parking lot of our local grocery store. I had my baby in his carseat on one arm (oh, p.s. I had a baby), I had J standing every so obediently to my side, and I was grabbing my grocery bags from my trunk (oh, p.p.s. I live in Austin now--sort of hippie, don't forget your reusable shopping bags or you will regret it!). Anyways, I was standing there, with all of this going on around me, and an older man, maybe 75 years old, walked by and he said IT!!!!!

"Boy, you've got YOUR hands full!"

I couldn't believe it! I had always heard other moms talk about people making those comments and, of course, I believed them! BUT THEN, it happened to ME!

I was so proud of myself! Do you want to know why? I remembered! I remembered what I wanted to do when someone said that to me. I have this theory, if someone wants to make an awkward comment, you've got two choices--(1) smile, be polite, move on with life; or (2) make.them.feel.awkward.back! OF COURSE, I chose option 2! How could I not!?

My kids were being so good! J could have been yelling, tugging at my jeans, and running into the street--barely dodging a car coming straight for her (which DOES happen). Yet, she wasn't! She was standing there, just like I taught her--right next to my leg, very still, chatting about the mysteries of her three year old life.  And H, he's not even 9 months old yet. The possibilities of annoying things he could have been doing is remarkable! On that day though, he was strapped into his carseat (which to him is either the greatest or most awful contraption ever invented--luckily, that day it was the latter), he was watching me with the most serious and focused eyes, pondering the possibilities of which brightly colored shopping bag he could reach next and shove directly into his mouth, babbling his incoherent language that only I can understand.

So when that stranger said those words, that honestly, he meant ZERO harm in, I couldn't help it! I had to stand up for my kids. To be 100% real, I had to stand up for myself and my husband. It's not easy setting standards and remaining consistent with your kids, but we really really really try to raise well mannered kids who are pleasant to be around.

"Boy, you've got YOUR hands full!"

"No, actually, I don't! They're great kids!"

*continues figuring out which bag will serve as Mary Poppins bag reincarnated*

I promise I wasn't trying to make him feel bad about himself, like I said, I know he meant no harm in it. However, guess what I heard next? It wasn't from him, he was well on his way. No, it was from J!

"Why did that guy say that?"

I was so happy she asked! I ALWAYS am in a position where I can point out the mistakes she makes and how she can fix them. Now, this stranger had given me the chance to point out something good she had done in an unforced, authentic, and sincere way.

"Because he's used to kids that aren't making good choices, but not you! You were doing just what I asked you to do and being safe, standing right by me watching out for cars. I have great kids, you and H are awesome!"

So while it was totally harmless, but still kind of annoying, I ended up being happy that someone said IT to me! Sometimes those moments are just what I need to help me be the type of person I want to be. Plus, I felt like a legit mom--and now I'm too legit to quit (What! What!)

Womanhood

I've mentioned before how I am a little new to relishing in womanhood. I grew up with a "Girl Power" mom, who raised us to know that we could ALWAYS do whatever a boy/man could do. Sometimes I think I took that lesson a little too far and began to look down at the female sex--like most women were so weak, they didn't understand they could do anything a man could do.

The older I get, the more I start to take pride in being a woman! In our church, we have a woman's organization called Relief Society. We meet together for an hour on Sunday's to learn about the gospel of Jesus Christ together. I love learning and being able to share with one another from a woman's unique perspective.

Our particular Relief Society group meets once a month on Wednesday nights, in addition to Sundays, to have a "Mother Education Classes." Last night the class was on infertility, adoption, and family planning. Three ladies spoke about their various struggles with infertility and the paths that struggle has taken them down. Something that hit me was how varied each of their particular situations were. Each was caused by health problems, but each was extremely unique and different from one another. It's a wonder that anyone is ever able to have a baby!

I don't think it'd be my place to share each of their specific stories, since it is obviously such a personal struggle. However, I did want to share what I took away from last night. The biggest lesson was that we NEVER have any idea what other people are going through. If you looked at these ladies, you would see good-looking, well put together, successful, kind, service-oriented people. Your first thought would never come to the battle they have fought for multiple years, if not decades. My uncle always says, "If you go into a room with your problems in a bag, you'll look around that room and see what's in everyone else's bag, and you'll always walk out of that room with your own bag." It gave me a stronger resolve to be a little kinder to everyone I come in contact with. You never know the battle they are fighting and the struggle it took for that person to be standing in front of you at that moment.

Last night reminded me to slow down. This is something I am always trying to overcome. I often react to situations, instead of taking a step back and seeing the bigger picture or thinking about the repercussions of my actions. In this scenario, that means I often ask questions that are none of my business--"Do you guys know when you want to have another baby?" I shudder at how many times I have asked that in the last 6 months alone. It honestly was coming from a place of goodness and eagerness to make bonds with all of the new people I've been meeting. However, when held up to the experiences of these ladies, I obviously see the error in my ways. After their presentation I was talking with a few of the ladies and I realized that the best possible reaction to have when someone reveals their struggles is to have respectful honesty. What I mean by that is, you don't have to have some grand statement to get them through their struggle, a simple, "I'm so sorry" really does suffice. I find myself not wanting the other person to feel awkward and so I just. can't. stop. talking!

A few of them gave examples of off the cuff remarks they have received--"At least you won't gain weight" because of adoption, or "You're so lucky you get to sleep-in on Saturdays" because they have no kids. It's hard because, I can see how someone would say that without realize the repercussions of their statement, but I'm reminded of one of my very first posts (read at your own risk! That was a venting post from a very dark time in my life..yikes!) from long long ago--try to help the person in the situation, not yourself. What would they like to hear, what would help them? It goes against our natural being and it's hard! But obviously the right thing to do.

Lastly, one of the ladies shared something that I hope I will always remember. (I wish I could have just recorded how she said it, but here's the best I can do from memory!) She said that she used to always say, "This isn't fair, life isn't fair, why is this happening to me?" A friend of hers that dealt with infertility said to her, "Life isn't fair, and that is a miracle. It is because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ that life isn't fair. If it weren't for him, we would all have had to suffer on the cross for our sins, but he did it for  us. Thank goodness life isn't fair!"

This whole post was to tell you that I love being a woman! There is a bond with woman that cannot be described or duplicated by men. Sometimes I see women judging one another or battling over breastfeeding/bottlefeeding, co-sleeping, etc. and it makes me so sad! There's no need to compete with each other when we could all just use this bond to build one another up. The emotional bond we have is unreal and makes me so proud of who I am.

A "Good Mom Day"

I was just trying to play catch-up on our family blog (I try to use it more as a family journal, but I'm failing miserably!). The post was about J turning 2, but the conclusion slowly started turning into my most recent thoughts on motherhood. (Side note: feeling extremely narcissistic about that now that I've actually typed it out and you all have read it.) However, it made me think of a topic that I wanted to talk about with you--here's the concluding paragraph and then I'll get to my topic:

I'm trying my hardest to get out and go do stuff with her--to take advantage of the family-friendly environment of the Midwest; as well as, my wonderful opportunity to stay home with her. We go to the library on a weekly basis (sometimes more) and we start Parent-Tot Swim lessons tomorrow! She is excited beyond belief! I'm hoping to get out and find more activities in the community that are going on this summer. My greatest desire and ambition right now is to be a mom that DOES stuff. This week I'm going to buy Play-doh and water-color paints and anything else I see in that aisle that she could do! I just yearn to be a good mom. Others may see that and think that's so lame, but it truly is the greatest accomplishment in my life. The days when I sit back and know that I did a great job as a mom, those days, are my happiest! When we explored, tried new things, read books, played toys, snuggled, and hugged and kissed and wrestled on the ground--I know I did my job and it makes me so happy! I never thought I'd see the day when I became so elated and overwhelmed with a sense of pride because of those things--but that day is upon me and I make no excuses for it. 


Do you know what I'm talking about? Those days where you just really know that you did your job. That all the career ambitions or personal interests you set aside to be a mom, were all worth it. Will you tell me about one of those days? (Shoot, don't hold back, tell me about every single day you can remember that was like that!) I just love hearing about days when moms were awesome! I love it because, when do you ever get to talk about it in a public setting without having to hold back because of the eye rolls (either because people think being a mom is so 1950's or people hate you because you're making them look bad)?

I liked being a teacher, but I LOVE being a mom. It totally sucks somedays, but a lot of times, those are the days when I wasn't doing it right! I wasn't trying and I wasn't paying attention to J and that's why she was going cray cray by noon. So can we do this for each other? Can you leave a long comment or post about all the ridiculous things you did with your kid(s) and can we all agree to reply to each other's comments with, "You go girl!" "Slide-burns are the worst, but oh so worth it!"and other stuff like that? No one is going to try and one-up each other, it's just a no-holds-bar-euphoric-I'm the bomb dot com-comment-fest! And instead of adding lines to our stories like, "sooo that's life with a toddler!" *nervous laugh* or "the things you do when you don't talk to adults for over 10 hours" *nervous laugh, is it hot in here to anyone else????*, let's just say something hard core like "I make no excuses!" Because being a mom is hard core and I don't care what anyone else says!

I'm so excited about this, I almost forgot I haven't posted in forever so people probably aren't reading anymore, but that's okay! Whenever you see this, or think about it after you've had a "Good Mom Day", just come and comment and I will be happy and excited right along with you!

As a recap:

1. Leave a comment or link to a post where you describe a day where you were a sweet-tastic mom.
2. Be hard core and say, "I make no excuses!" at the end.
3. Reply to other people's comments or link with how hard core and awesome they are.
4. Come back and repeat whenever possible.
5. Boom.

Here are some of my, "Good Mom Day" moments,

She had been SOOOO sick, but she wanted to go outside so badly. We struggled and climbed to the very top of the jungle gym and, after all that, she was too tired to play. So we sat, and watched some squirrels. I taught her squirrels live in trees that day (funny when you realize all that they don't know) and I didn't rush her to go down a slide so we could go home, we just sat, and watched squirrles play and climb. I make no excuses.

As a family we went for a walk and randomly came across a Paddle-Boat little pond area. We went inside and found out it was only $8 total, for everyone, for 20 minutes. So we just did it, like that! No plans, no questions, we were just spontaneous and fun and J still asks to go "Ride a boat?"

Sometimes your toddler wants to wear a winter hat when it's 80 degrees out, you just roll with it and feel good about them getting to be a kid!

Sometimes your toddler likes stickers, but DOES NOT like stickers on herself. So you take one for the team and wear Anime stickers for an entire day. I make no excuses!

We went for a walk. A really long walk where I just followed everywhere she wanted to go (except for the trash compactor--being hard core does not mean being stupid).

I didn't feel like wearing sunglasses, but she LOVES when we wear them together. So we rocked those sunglasses and Maroon 5's "One More Night" for the one billionth time in a row.

Even Clifford has to hydrate. And the answer is, "No! She hardly ever wears clothes at home! And, yes! It does make her ridiculously happy and say awesome things like 'NAKEY BABY NAKEY BABY!!'" I make no excuses!

Sometimes they aren't sick, they just really want you to hold them while they sleep. And yeah, I had a ton of other stuff to do, and it made us late for a dinner invitation, but now I have this, and I make no excuses.

Book Review: The Fault In Our Stars

This is a Teen Lit novel--so of course I liked it! I just love teen novels, I don't know why, but I always have! I think it has something to do with the fact that my life has always had virtually no drama in it, so reading about other people's is fun! That's probably the same reason I enjoy crappy Reality TV..?

The Fault in Our Stars, by John Green, is about two teenagers who both have cancer. It's about their relationship with each other, their families, and ultimately, themselves. Having watched my mom battle cancer from afar, this book had me full on ugly crying more than once. Something I found interesting about this book was that the teenagers were faced with a terrible illness that many times emotionally debilitates adults, yet in the midst of them dealing with their ailments, they still wanted/needed to go through all of the same coming of age obstacles that every other teen faces.

There was one particular scene that I felt the author did such an awesome job writing. I could picture it so well and the dialogue between the teens and their actions were so realistic to students I had had in classes. I was laughing so hard! (If you decide to read the book, egg + car is what I'm referring to). I wish I had remembered to write this review right after I read it...whoops! Overall I enjoyed the book, it was a quick and easy read. I could have done without some of the smut that was thrown in there, but such is life. A good read for older teens to adults like me who have some weird obsession with teen lit.

Survival Mode

I've taken a little blogging hiatus because J and I got to go visit my parents in Alaska last week! It was a much needed break from our new Chicagoland changes. I'll have to do a separate post on Alaska once I've loaded all of my pictures on to the computer.

While I was away, I had a lot of time to think about our new life and the changes we've made. Whenever you make big changes in your life, it feels like you begin the change in "Survival Mode". When I became a teacher, they call the first few years "Survival Mode" because you aren't able to be the absolute perfect teacher that you want to be due to the overwhelming obstacles that face a first time teacher. Brand new lesson plans, new teacher meetings, faculty meetings, a new grading system, plus the actual grading, etc, etc. Since we've moved, even though I've felt fairly settled for some time, I feel like we've still been in Survival Mode. K has been working crazy long hours for the past 3 months and J and I have been trying to get out, meet people/socialize whenever possible, and just establish some sort of a routine. We've all been working hard in our own spheres. When I played soccer, my dad used to always tell me, "Don't just work hard, work smart." We definitely have been working hard, but not necessarily smart. Let me explain:

For me, a part of Survival Mode means I get so focused on being a good parent and making sure J is well adjusted, that I forget that being a good mom means maintaining and flourishing in my role as a wife, too. A few months ago, my absolute favorite Hollywood couple (Giuliana and Bill Rancic) took major heat for making this statement, “We’re husband and wife, but we’re also best friends, and it’s funny because a lot of people, when they have kids, they put the baby first, and the marriage second,’ 'That works for some people. For us, I find, we put our marriage first and our child second, because the best thing we can do for him is have a strong marriage.”

I can understand why people gave her flack, since K can definitely take care of himself and J needs help for her very basic needs. However, on the emotional and relationship side of needs, I am able to be there for J in a much healthier way when my relationship with K is in a better place. The more stress in our marriage, the more stress in my life. K is my best friend, it kills me when we aren't right with each other. That kind of strife and grief is obviously going to carry over into my interactions with J. In that sense, I couldn't agree more with Giuliana's statement. 

K and I have a new resolve to get back to working together as a team. It's not like anythings is wrong, it's just been hard to get in a groove where we both understand our respective responsibilities in this new place with our new roles (him as the sole bread winner and me as a SAHM). It can be so frustrating for everyone involved when there is too much ambiguity in the home. The week away was good for taking a step back and getting a clearer picture on what we needed to do to get back to where we like to be as a married couple and family. I can't even begin to describe the relief that comes when you are able to gain some clarity on how to get out of Survival Mode and into just living!

What do you think, marriage or baby first? Please explain (I find this concept very interesting!)

How do you find balance between your role as a spouse and parent? If you aren't one or either of those, how have you seen it in your parents or those around you?
-Our big "balancer" is to keep the dating relationship alive. When you are dating, you put so much thought and effort into the other persons wellbeing and happiness...sometimes that can be lost when kids and careers come along. Little actions like holding hands, going on dates, talking about subjects other than J and work are big. And sex (HI-Ohhh)! But honestly, if we had just gone over to each others houses and watched TV for our entire courtship, there's no way we would have stayed together--let alone married each other. There's no reason we should expect a different result once we are married. I think a lot of people don't realize how much work a good marriage takes. I know I didn't get it. It takes both people constantly making a concentrated effort to stay happy in a marriage!

Remember that annoying person? Boo-yah!

Has anyone been watching the new NBC show, Ready for Love? I love it! It's not your typical 'Bachelorette' sort of show (don't get me wrong, I can get sucked right into those too)! This show takes three bachelors and, using three professional Match Makers, they find nine possible candidates and date them...all while being filmed and viewed on national television, totally natural.

On the show this week, one of the bachelors, Ernesto, sent his sister to spend time with his girls--only, she was in disguise so they didn't know. He wanted to see what the girls were like when he wasn't around. I LOVED IT! They don't have the exact clip that I want online, but if you go to minute 37, that's where it starts.

If you don't feel like watching the clip, basically one girl is super rude to his sister. She treats her like she's the "help" and keeps calling her annoying. When Ernesto reveals who his spy is, you can tell the girl is so scared! She realizes she's been such a jerk and even pulls him aside to tell him how she isn't like that and was raised differently.

It was always a huge deal in my family growing up to be nice to everyone we came in contact with. I've never been perfect at it, but that was always what I strived for. I remember when I was a kid, my mom would throw a huge prime rib and king crab dinner every year for the custodians at the school where she taught. It wasn't something in her contract or something the school asked her to do (although, I think they did fund it). It was just what she felt was the right thing to do. She would actually go in on a Sunday night because that's what worked best for their lunch schedule.

It's funny because, a lot of times people are rude to custodians, but even at a young age I started to realize that the custodians are the people you want on your side! They have a key to every room and can always help you out when you're in a bind. Obviously, you should be nice regardless, but it's always nice when there's an added bonus.

This is a random post, but I couldn't get over what sweet justice it was! I love when kindness wins and people are brought back to the simple values that should always guide our everyday interactions. Let's be honest here, this was a great reminder for me too! I spend so much time with just J and I during the day, sometimes when I come in contact with people I'm in my own world. It was good for me to acknowledge how important it is to be mindful of who is around me and how I treat them.

I'm also so happy to be done with dating for the rest of my life...but that's an entirely different post!

Book Review: The Glass Castle

This book was recommended to me by my friend, Megan, after I had mentioned in my last book review how I'm so interested in family dynamics.

The Glass Castle is a book of memoirs written by Jeannette Walls. Her family is essentially a bunch of nomads, traveling around the U.S. dodging bill collectors. Any time a situation got a little harry or her dad got sick of working, the family would up and move. I'll be honest, this book was a lot to handle at moments. I had to keep reminding myself that this was actually a set of memoirs and that I had found it in the "Non-fiction" section of my library. "No way this could happen in real life!" or "No way people like this actually exist!" were the thoughts that continually kept creeping back into my mind. I had to convince myself to keep reading a few times because it is too hard for me to hear about awful things happening to children. I've mentioned before, becoming a mother made a new kind of heartache arise in me every time something bad happens to a child. I can't watch Law and Order: SVU anymore because it's just too much! 

I felt myself getting physically mad--no, not mad--livid/furious/irate over many of the responses the parents had to Jeannette and her siblings. The situations the parents put them in, the way the children were treated,  the fact that more often than not, the kids were more responsible than the parents, drove me up the wall! 

It brought me right back to when I was a teacher. I remember one student that came to me with a drop-out form. "What's this?" I asked him. "It's a form you have to sign so I can drop out." "But you're a senior, you literally have 6 months until you can graduate. Why don't you just stick it out until graduation?" "Because my parents disowned me and I have to work so I can eat and pay bills." AHHHHHH! If I could have told him everything I was thinking I would have told him, "You'll never go back for your GED like you think you will. It's not that you can't or don't have the intellect or intelligence to do so, it's because GEDs are expensive and quite frankly, not even close to the same as a high school diploma. Also, you're parents suck! That's right, I said suck! You only get to be a kid once and they stole that from you. They literally stole some of the most precious memories you will ever have right out from under you. The saddest part is that you will probably never fully understand what you missed out on! The amount of wasted potential that is balled up inside of you makes me want to cry, real tears of sorrow because you and I have come so far since you called me a 'bitch' the first month of school. I had big hopes and dreams of showing you just how awesome you could be! But instead, you're going to quit. Again and again and again, you're going to quit. Because your parents suck!"

But teachers don't get to say things like that. Especially not new teachers that haven't reached tenure yet. So instead I told him I wouldn't sign it. If he was going to drop-out, I didn't want any part of that. Then I learned I had to sign it. So I did. It makes me sick just thinking about it.

So yeah, it hurts me when bad things happen to children. The one thing that kept me going was that I knew the ending. I didn't actually know the ending, but being around kids enough, you start to get the sense about the ones that rise above. The ones that say, "screw you" to all the garbage their parents had filled them with and decide to find out what the world is really like for themselves. The book was written so well that I knew Jeannette had been one of those kids that rose above her parents and her upbringing. 

Just thinking about this has got me all fired up again! It was a book filled with raw emotion. If you want a book that will make you feel, this book delivers.

How to Praise Your Kids

I mentioned a few days ago my secret love of Dr. Laura. The second post I wanted to tell you about was one on how to give praise to your kids.

I love how she talks about giving "process praise." This has really opened my eyes to the way I praise J. I want my child to be a productive member of society some day. I want her to add to her surroundings and offer something to those she comes in contact with. I try not to think about how much influence I have in messing her up, for reals! It seems like anyone I've ever known that goes to therapy, the number one influence in 'why they are the way they are' is because of their parents. No pressure or anything though! ...Yikes!

I know that one weakness/strength I have in life is that I thrive on completing a task. If you were to give me a rubik's cube, I would be the kid that peeled off all of the stickers and put them back on in their segregated order. At the very least, I would look up how to do a rubik's cube on line, solve the stupid thing, and move on with life. I am not the person that finds the 'joy in journey' with tasks like those. This characteristic can be seen as a flaw because I was always so focused on the end result that I didn't develop the critical thinking skills that are so useful in life.

I remember when I was a teenager, I joined a soccer team with a new coach. I didn't know him and he didn't know me. When we went into our first tournament together, I worked my butt off to prove to him that I deserved to be on the team. He noticed and was impressed. That particular tournament gave an award to one player on each team--chosen by the coach. He chose to give me the award. From that point on I don't think I ever worked as hard for him as I did before he gave me that award. I had received his approval, accomplished my goal, and wiped my hands clean of the whole process. Obviously, as I got older I began to realize you have to keep working hard, but this is a good raw example of what can happen when kids are only focused on the end result. (I should add, I don't see how this characteristic of mine has anything to do with my parents and how they raised me. Love you, mom!)

With “process praise” – you’re commenting on their diligence and persistence.  According to a study from the University of Chicago, kids are more likely to prefer challenging tasks and believe that intelligence and personality can improve with effort than youngsters who simply hear praise directed at them personally.  It sends the message that effort and actions are the sources of success and your approval.  If you’re impressed by their effort, kids will put in more effort.  If you just say, “You’re very good at this,” that’s it – they stay at that level. They won’t try harder because they figure that they have already reached the pinnacle. 
By praising the process, actions, and strategies (e.g. “I’m impressed that you did your best and worked hard to stick with it”), kids try to do better and better to impress you and themselves.

I've been trying really hard to re-learn and adjust the way I praise J. When we come home after running errands, she's learned that she has to take her shoes and coat off and put them away before she can play. Instead of only praising her for when she puts her coat in the closet, I also praise the way she stuck with putting her coat in the closet even when it kept getting caught on the door frame. It really is a challenge to think of how to rephrase your praises, but I'm hoping it will pay off! Either way, I'm sure she's not going to end up some criminal...at least I don't think so...?

NO BODY that starts off that cute can be a criminal, amIright?

Possibly, this could, though! :)

13 Things to Discuss Before You Marry

Hello from the wetlands! Our little suburb of Chicago got 7 inches of rain today! 7 inches!! I couldn't believe it! I was so grateful that J didn't wake up to the insanely loud and bright thunder and lighting. It started last night, went straight through the night and continued on until about 11 am this morning. It was incredible! Here are a few pictures from around us:

Sorry this is bad quality. But this is out J's bedroom window. This is usually a small little creek that is down a hill. It usually doesn't even touch any of the trees!

I didn't take this, but a friend posted this on Facebook. This is about 10 minutes away from our house! Sooo crazy! Also, why would you drive into this once you see another car stuck?

You can see more pictures here.

***

During college, I had a job driving LDS missionaries from their training center to the airport. I would just shuttle them back and forth, about an hour one-way. After a few weeks, I started to be so over music. I began listening to Dr. Laura. Judge me if you will, but she is entertaining! I don't agree with all of her feelings and opinions, but I do agree with many. I follow her blog and, from time to time, she posts some articles I find interesting. I found 2 in the last week that perked my interest. I'll share one today and one tomorrow. 

Today, she posted 13 Things to Discuss Before You Marry. I won't comment on all of her thoughts, but there were a few that took me right back to 2006 when K and I started dating.

1. Money. 

This one was an easy one. We are both cheap. We learned after we got married that we both never really saved, we just never spent money. Getting married when you're still fairly young (I was 22 and K was 25), we still didn't really know how we spent our money because we hadn't had a chance to make a lot of big purchases yet. We soon found that we were pretty identical though. We like to buy nicer products and then take care of them. We've both learned that buying cheap usually means you have to replace them so often that it just makes sense to buy quality products from the beginning and then just take care of them. 

2. How alike are you?  

Dr. L talks about how you shouldn't go off of the notion that "opposites attract." K and I are different and the same? I think most marriages are like that. Both of us don't like to be the center of attention (K more so than me), but I am definitely more outgoing than K. We both have leveled each other out since we got married. K is more outgoing and I have chilled out a lot. I like it! I see them as positive changes!

3. Communication skills.  

I came from a family that talks about...well...everything. We talk until we are blue in the face and have no problem calling each other out on just about...well...everything. Our communication is usually pretty firey, but in the end, we get to the root of the problem fast and get the problems resolved. K's family is way more reserved and nice to each other haha. I would say communication was one of our biggest growing pains while dating since we came from such opposite backgrounds. We have come a long way, and continue to improve. Marriage is all about evolving and growing together! (A topic for another day).

4. Life outside of marriage.  

As a result of some of my friendship issues in the past, I knew I needed to be careful not to smother K. When we first got married we started reading (and I really want to make time to finish) the book His Needs, Her Needs. The author talks about having activities to do together and having activities that are for you. We both had hobbies that we really loved that didn't necessarily involve the other. We made a deal that I could always play soccer and K would support me, and K could always play the guitar or go mountain biking and I would support him. I made sure that whenever he had his guitar out I just enjoyed the music and never rushed him to put it away (it helps that he's super good). If his friends called to go mountain biking, I always did everything I could to make sure he could go. K has always been the same way with me either coaching or playing on old-foggie soccer leagues. It's so nice to not have to feel guilty about wanting to do our activities!

5. Do you want to have kids?  

There are 6 kids in K's family and 5 in mine. We both loved having a lot of siblings and have always agreed on how many kids we want. We've always seen eye to eye on what we expected in regards to discipline or parenting styles. Obviously, since becoming an actual parent we've evolved into more realistic expectations (haha), but since we started on the same page and evolved together it's been a real none issue.

6. Employment. 

Since K had basically NO IDEA what he wanted to be when we first met, we've made all career choices together. It's been nice :)

7. Sex! Find out what each other's fantasies are. If their fantasies include small farm animals, you know to hit the eject button.

Dr. Laura's words, haha

8. Daily life: 

This is one we didn't discuss! It added some real life to our newly wed euphoric state :). For the first few years we just both paid the bills. Whoever had time just did it. Since I've stayed home I've had to pry the bills out of K's death grip! I just have so much more time to do them and our budget. I've had to get better about communicating to K what's been happening (the reason for his death grip), and he has learned to relax without that responsibility. Fun Fact: We are WAAAAY better at staying on our budget since just one of us is paying the bills.

9. How committed are you to the relationship? 

10. Personal space.  

11. How are you going to keep the marriage exciting? 

12. Family.  

A few days before K and I got married I had a total break down. I was worried I was never going to be able to see my family again and made him promise I could go see them at least once a year. He got nervous because he wasn't sure we could afford it. Thank goodness for parents that are generous with their air miles! He's always been understanding of how close I am with my family and been willing to let me go whenever I want. (Good man :))

13. Know your odds. Statistics show that couples who live together before they're married are more likely to get divorced.

      I never knew that was statistically proven, but I believe it.

Did any of these questions stand out to you? Did you or your spouse discuss these? Do you plan on discussing them with your spouse?

Dating for moms

My sister showed me this post about how making friends as a mom is a lot like dating. She breaks it down into the different "bases of mom dating." I straight snort laughed several times throughout the post! Here are a few of my favorite lines:

I go too deep too soon, which scares off a mom just asking how many kids do I have.  ”Do you mean in my home, or in orphanages around the world?  Here locally, or in a village in Uganda?  Have you ever considered sponsoring a child?  Wait, where are you going?  Wanna hear about malaria and deworming?”

Overly-intense eye contact.  Never use while discussing homeschooling, gluten, gun control, breastfeeding, marriage, red dye number 40, infertility, or Jesus.  I may have left a few things out.  If there’s a subject that might cause you to stop blinking and/or breathing, save it for fourth base and don’t unleash it at the park.

Third base is a play date at one of our houses.  This is a tricky base because your kids are now on home court and your new friend is going to see your daughter body slam her toddler to the ground and take back the toy that he just picked up.
-Have I told you about the time when we had people over to our house a few weeks ago and J chucked her sippy cup right into their daughters forehead leaving a nice goose-egg. So there's that. 

By third base, I’m full frontal hugging, so prepare for that.  If you’re my third base friend, get ready for our boobs smashed up together while I ask how you’re doing right in your ear.  If you answer that with any kind of trauma, I’m a-gonna pull it right back together for another mash up, breathe some words of encouragement into your ear, then pull back for some heavy eye contact.  (Upon reading this, my husband informed me, “Who are you kidding?  You’re easy.  You go for full frontal hugging on first base.”  So I’m a hug-slut.  Bring it in, ladies.  I’m ready.
-Joree here, just re-reading this made me go into a snort-laugh-fit (I think I may TM that one, SLF?...go with it). It's especially funny because I'm not a big hugger, but I think I secretly want to be? I think this is a product of being one of the younger children in the family. My parents were soft by the time it got to my younger brother and I. Hugging. Lots and lots of hugging at our house. J will in fact be the weirdest child wherever she goes because even mentioning the word "sorry" around her makes her slobber kiss the closest persons face off. Embrace the awkward! One last one regarding 'Fourth Base'...

Feel free to bust out your full-blown honk laugh, talk about how soy gives you diarrhea, and how you worry that you’re a crappy mom.  You’ve found your person.  She loves you for you.

This was so timely because today J and I went to the library for the reading time they have there. Except, I'm a lame mom and didn't realize that the reading time was no longer going on. Whoops! Anyways, we went to play with the puzzles they have up in their children's section and I saw another mom I had seen at story time. She sat down at the table with J and I, and I shocked myself by openly asking about herself and her cute little boy. And then, it happened. My awkwardness could only be tamed for so long. I was lost in thought debating what I wanted to ask her next, so lost that I just stopped talking and didn't ask her any follow-ups on her recent home birth experience. Eventually, her little boy got restless and they just left. So. Weird. Bahaha, sometimes I just have to laugh at the awkwardness. One thing is certain, the awkwardness will always be here. Now, if I could only learn how to tame it for extended periods of time!

Book Review: The Wednesday Letters

I've been trying to take J to the library once a week. When I was growing up, I hated to read! It just never interested me at all. My senior year of high school I took a Teen Lit class and began to realize I actually loved to read--I just needed to find books that interested me. College came and I never had time to read anything but textbooks. Towards the end of my college career I started to crave books (or was it just the time to read a book?). Now days, I have to be very careful when I read books because I have the ability to shut all else out and, lets be honest, neglect my family :). I'm hoping that if I help J have a love of reading early on then it will carry with her for the rest of her life. Plus, my roommates that loved to read could read so much faster than I could. Faster reader = more time for fun when you get into high school and college.

This week I decided to read a book that my good friend, Randi, had recommended to me right after college. It's called The Wednesday Letters by Jason F. Wright.

The book is about three children that, after their parents' death, find out their father had written a letter to their mother every Wednesday of their marriage. Through the letters, the children begin to gain a better knowledge and understanding of their parents and their family dynamic.

I truly loved this book! I am so incredible fascinated by family make-up and dynamics. I love books that write about families because my family is such an integral part of my life. Whether a person is close or distant with their family, that dynamic plays a significant role on who they are as a person. It's awesome! I wish there were some socially acceptable way for me to ask people right as I meet them, "Tell me about your family, where you fit in, who are you closest to, who are you not close to, spare no detail, tell me everything!" I feel like you can learn so much about people based on their relationship with their family.

Sorry, a bit of a tangent. But that's why I loved this book! Wright opens the backdoor into the most personal pieces of the Cooper family's puzzle. You grieve with them, you go into shock with them, and you learn the last lesson their parents wanted them to learn--forgiveness--right along with these three siblings. I was constantly picturing my brothers and I as I read this book. I feel Wright did an incredible job at making his characters and their dialog seem so believable and real.

Go read the book...then come back so we can talk about it :)

I'm acca-awkward

I just need to give a big shout out to the good ole' Midwest! This has honestly been the friendliest place we have every moved to. Already, I have been invited to the library twice for a toddlers reading group, J and I were invited to an Easter Egg Hunt, was invited to a craft group (couldn't go, but the offer was still extended), we've been invited over for dinner twice, and just last night I was invited to a girl's night for Saturday! None of that has ever happened anywhere else we have lived. I am feeling really blessed right now.

She was a little overwhelmed...

But she eventually got the hang of it! She was all in once she figured out there was candy inside the eggs!

I'm the type of person that likes details. I like to picture how an event will go and sort of prepare myself for it. For example, when K and I were dating, he would tell me what restaurant we'd be going to and my roommates and I would look up the menu. (Please don't stop being my friend because of this!) While I admit, that's a bit extreme, I just like to know what to expect about situations. I'm also extremely indecisive, so it's better for everyone around me if I prepare. 

Last night when I got the text inviting me to the Girl's Night, I felt like a creep. I accepted the invitation and then proceeded to ask all the details...where is the restaurant, what time should I meet you, etc. When I type out the questions right there it doesn't seem so awkward, but last night it really did. In the past, this is something I might dwell on and be very embarrassed about. While it is still very fresh, I've decided to not let myself over analyze these situations. If it bothers people that I like to know details, then this is a good time to figure out that we aren't very compatible as friends. 

In short, I'm just going to let my 'Freak Flag' fly and if people aren't down with that, that's okay! I think a major part of my self-discover is just accepting who I am and being okay with it! It's okay if not everyone wants to be my best friend. 

Are you a details person? A planner?

Do you over analyze situations? How do you get over it?

I'll be honest, sometimes I have to pray to let it go haha. I'm better now, but it used to just eat me up when I did something stupid.

Be a "Girls' Girl"

The other day I was reading some celebrity gossip column (no shame in admitting a little interest in pop culture). This lady was saying how she didn't like Angelina Jolie because she wasn't a "girls' girl" and this individual was all about "girls' girls." That comment really stood out and stuck with me.

Growing up I always had way more guys as friends than I did girls. I contribute a lot of that to the fact that my major interests all revolved around sports, my greatest childhood friend was my younger brother, and I was just never that into the drama that was usually associated with girls. The girlfriends I did have, I realize now, I wasn't always a very good friend to. I was always so hypersensitive about everything they did or didn't do to/for me. I had one guy friend that would describe me as "very chill," but I doubt any of my girlfriends would say the same. While I was fiercely loyal, I always just wanted one very best friend, and I could careless about anyone else. 

 

This attribute was fine growing up, and even in my first year of college when I continued my habits. However, this tendency began to really backfire on me when the guy friends I had left on their LDS missions the next year, and the girlfriends I did have, all got boyfriends. 

 I was so lonely. I prayed and prayed that God would send me a friend. He sent me K. While K and I dated and into our first few years of marriage, I only noticed my lack of girlfriends occassionally. We were totally that annoying married couple that just hung out with each other. If we did hang out with others, it was always K's friends that he had had since high school. Yet again, I found myself the only girl in the situation and sticking to my old habits of only one good friend.

A. Lot. Of. Selfies. haha, that should have been a sign!

As I started my teaching career, I made a few girlfriends that also taught at my school. In retrospect, they created the friendship more than I did. It was a combination of lack of effort and just getting used to not having a ton of friends. I wasn't some hermit. I talked to people at work and church, and I had K when I wasn't at either of those two places. Even still, not a lot of people to feel a feminine bond with. I began to really see how disastrous these habits were when I became a mom. You NEED other woman who can relate and understand the struggles you go through as a woman and mother (the recovery after childbirth? Why doesn't society talk about that more--I felt blindsided!). There are so many things that men just don't understand. I realized that, while I might not have always been a "girls' girl" in the past, motherhood had thrown me into that category--and I was quite happy and relieved to be there.

As we've moved to Chicago, I'm finding myself in an all too familiar 'girlfriendless' territory. The beauty of this situation, however, is that I have a real chance to turn my circumstances around. I really could have always turned my circumstances around, it just would have been a lot harder and taken a lot more effort. I'm determined to not let this opportunity slip me by. We've been so blessed to have had a lot of people be so open and friendly to us already. (Side note: people that aren't LDS, how on earth do you meet new people when you move into town? Especially if you have kids, so it's not like you're going to the bars or anything every night.) 

This was such an important part in my self-discovery. I acknowledge the mistakes I've made with friendships in the past. I hope, as I cultivate new friendships here in Chicago, that I can be relaxed--anything anyone does for me is a bonus. In the past, I always had such ridiculous expectations for my friends to live up to. It took me getting married to start to realize that I can't expect people to read my mind. 

Who you will be friends with is always a mystery, so I need to give everyone a fair chance. In the past (so painful to admit this, but remember, I'm here to be real), I was so eager to get to the deep ties that bind friendships together that I thought I could weed out people based on comments made in large group settings, clothes they wore, amount of make-up applied, etc. It's not that I'm shallow and hold these aspects in high regard, I just figured it was a way to fast track the process. 

Finally, it's so important to have friends. In the really dark moments when my friends all had boyfriends and I felt really alone, I thought that it didn't matter. I didn't need close friends and could get by with just boyfriends or aquantances. That is so not the case! I can go the gym by myself, but it was so much more fun when I went with my sister, in Seattle. It's not that we always talked a lot while we were there or did the exact same workouts--it was about the companionship. I realize now that you need a variety of friends that can enrich your life in different ways. Going about life alone can be easier at times, but it's so not worth it. Friendship and companionship are worth the trouble!

When I've talked about this in the past, with other women, they always say "me too!" What the heck is wrong with us? Why do woman do this to ourselves?

What do you feel is your greatest attribute as a friend (this is your moment to brag, let it out)? What is something you want to work on as a friend?

Girls' Girl vs. Guys Girls...thoughts?

Anything else you want to say about it!